


it's just a minor inconvenience

by jade304



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: (gore treated as humor? is that a thing?), (heed the prompt i suppose), FFXV kinkmeme, Gen, Humor, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 02:23:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15257313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jade304/pseuds/jade304
Summary: Mini prompt fill:"Aranea, Ravus, a random MT, and Ardyn's disembodied head go an epic, shenanigan filled roadtrip to find the rest of Ardyn's body that was chopped up and buried in several different locations because someone wanted to kill Ardyn but the whole immortal thing got the way and this was the best substitute they could think up."





	it's just a minor inconvenience

**Author's Note:**

> [Original prompt on the kmeme](https://ffxv-kinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/4398.html?thread=8171566#cmt8171566)
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> this is very short and incredibly silly.

Ravus had heard a lot of strange sounds before on this mission, and on many before it, but he had never heard Aranea _scream._

He and their lone MT unit turned to hurry to where she was standing; she had noticed the car first, parked oddly off to the side of the road, and with a strange expression on her face had gone over to investigate. It was a rather beat-up looking red car, only its paint job setting it apart from the dozens like it that they had already passed on the road. It had definitely seen better days; the front windshield appeared to be smashed in from some sort of impact. Whatever had caused it had long since left, only Aranea standing there staring into the car.

“Commodore, what on earth –“

Ravus inhaled sharply, coming to a stop next to her. Somewhere behind them, they heard the metal footsteps of the MT, awaiting orders.

A small grunt from inside the car.

“Oh, _finally._ You don’t know how _glad_ I am to see the pair of you.”

 

 

Keeping her hands firmly on the wheel of their own, non-smashed vehicle, Ravus and the MT in the backseat, Aranea drove. They had to abandon the car; they weren’t exactly able to call the tow service and get it taken in. Perhaps Aranea and Ravus could pull something off, but the magitek kind of gave them away.

Also, they were trying to keep Chancellor Ardyn Izunia’s head steady and not roll away, but that was another issue.

“So...what?” Ravus asked. He still looked a little bit green, but the MT was now the Designated Head Carrier, and he refused to turn to look at it. “You’ve...gone and gotten yourself dismembered, somehow?”

“Obviously,” Ardyn hissed. He was indeed not much more than his head; severed at the neck with no body to be found. And he was adamant that they look. Whoever – _whatever -_ did this to him had cauterized his neck somehow so that he wouldn’t bleed out. Aranea had shoved the still-retching Ravus aside to figure out what was what; it appeared something daemonic in origin had done this to him, given the black scarring, but Ardyn couldn’t tell them what had done it.

“How should I remember?” he’d said. “I died in the middle of it all, and woke up like this.”

“You...died.”

This required a longer explanation, about Ardyn being immortal; Aranea was struggling to wrap her head around all of this, but Ravus merely nodded as if he had expected this as the response. The chancellor of Niflheim was immortal because of a daemon attack in his youth? Fair. It happens all the time.

Aranea pinched the bridge of her nose and told the MT to grab him, and off they went in search for the rest of him. 

“I’ve never heard of a daemon attack giving someone eternal life,” Ravus said slowly. “Are you certain that this is...what is happening here?”

“I’m certainly not dead, although I certainly should be in this state,” Ardyn replied. “Decide for yourself if I am immortal or not.”

“Can you stop debating the specifics,” Aranea spoke loudly overtop the pair of them, “and try to figure out where you might have left your body?”

“Oh,” Ardyn said. “You there, could you give me a lift?”

Ravus leaned far out of the way as the MT almost hesitantly lifted the chancellor high above its own head. Aranea laid on the horn as she drove, a _please ignore the magitek holding a head in my car I am just trying to pass you thank you goodbye._ They sped up slightly as Ardyn looked about.

“I sense they’ve buried the rest of me,” Ardyn sniffed. “I can feel it. It must be somewhere close by.”

“How do you know it’s actually you?” Aranea said. She had to swerve to avoid a car that had decided to stop and gawk at them. _Please just move this happens all the time thanks._

“This has happened to me before,” Ardyn said like it was a perfectly normal thing. “However," he added, in a much more cheerful voice, "it is monumentally more helpful when you have friends to take you back to where your body rests.”

Aranea sighed.

 

 

“I...am _not_ doing that.”

Aranea slammed the trunk closed; Ravus looked down at the shovel in his hands with a grim expression. “Just do it,” she said, “and the sooner we can pretend this never happened.”

They were both 99% sure Ardyn was lying about the origin of his immortality, and it was beginning to creep the both of them out. Not to mention it was just plain  _gross._

“Is he sure that his body is actually nearby?” Ravus asked. They looked over at Ardyn and the magitek; the mechanical soldier was holding him securely in two hands, standing closer to where Ardyn claimed he could feel the rest of himself covered in dirt.

“I’ve got no idea, just like I have no idea how we got into this situation in the first place,” Aranea grumbled. This right here was why she usually stuck to piloting her airship and not offering to transport people on the ground. There was less driving. Less headache. Less heads.

“Over here, if you please!” Ardyn called. Ravus flinched.

“I don’t even want to look at him," he said. "Please."

Aranea yanked the shovel from his hands. “I’ll do it, then.”

 

 

“Not even my brother did this to me,” Ardyn lamented to no one in particular. Aranea and Ravus were too far away to hear and too busy trying to dig, and the magitek couldn't respond out loud to any of them, if it understood anything beyond commands at all. “Stabbed me in the back and murdered me in front of my people, sure, but he didn’t dismember me and then throw the rest of me in a ditch to regenerate improperly.”

“Are you done talking so you can help guide us out over here?” Aranea called out.

“You’re almost there,” Ardyn said. “I can feel dirt moving.”

There was a disgusting-sounding crunch, and Ravus screeched loudly. Ardyn grimaced.

“ _Watch where you’re digging!_ ”

 

 

“Well.”

“Indeed.”

The four of them stared down the hole that they had dug out – that sure was the rest of Ardyn’s body at the bottom of it. His throat was closed off in the same way that his neck was, as if someone had tried to heal him without bothering to glue the pieces back together first. His chest looked crushed, and his arm was almost certainly broken. Ardyn sighed.

“Now comes the truly dirty work, I suppose. Can you please set me down?”

The MT did so, gently lowering him on the ground. With a grunt of effort, Ardyn rolled himself over to look up at Aranea and Ravus.

“I need one of you to kill me again.”

The pair exchanged a look.

“It’s simple,” Ardyn said. “Now that I’m close enough to my body, I’ll be able to fully regenerate myself once I’ve died again. Thank you for all the help, just one more step and we’re back in business.”

There was no sound but occasional mechanical clinks from the magitek. Absolutely neither of them wanted to do this, and they weren’t sure what to tell the MT to do it for them.

Silence.

...

_Clink._

_..._

Ardyn hummed.

“Just...kill me. I don’t even care how. Your best bet would probably be to puncture my brain, at this point. I doubt harming the rest of my body would do much good the state it’s in right now.”

...

Silence.

...

“All right,” he sighed. “Fine. If you two won’t do it, I’ll figure something else out. You there, ca -”

Ardyn was cut off with a wet _ghlk –_ Ravus’s sword sat stuck in his throat. With a grunt, the commander yanked it back out again. Aranea gave him a look; he still looked incredibly nauseated, but his face was twisted in irritation.

“I truly loathe this man,” he growled. “That...felt a little good.”

 

 

Ardyn awoke hours later, in incredible agony but mostly put back together.

With a loud groan, he shoved himself onto his side; coughing, phlegm black for a few moments before he felt more grounded again. Dying ultimately didn’t matter, but that didn’t mean it didn’t _hurt._

“That’s that,” he rasped. His throat still felt sore, and likely would for about another half hour. He’d been separated for most of the afternoon, and the sudden reconnection felt strange.

He knew without even standing up that the two of them had left him in the ditch. It was dark, and his clothes were still covered in dirt. He felt a clinking noise when he moved his hand; how kind. They left him his car keys.

He still had to walk back for the car, of course.

Ardyn sighed, rising to his feet. His joints popped as he stretched.

“What a hassle,” he said, wandering off in the night to head back to the car.


End file.
